A 46LB Happy Birthday Gift To Me

That's right, I am turning 36 today. (It is now 12:21AM) I had to stop and count from my birth year earlier when asked how old I would be. I really didn't know. Funny it just doesn't seem to matter these days. The 30's seem to run together. A number that means more to me this year is almost 50. 46LB to be exact. I have lost 46 LBS on my journey to a smaller me. Amazing to think about. Especially since I am not anywhere near thin. Still very heavy in fact. 252 LBS on this 36th birthday. What will I be next year? Will I remember it as the year I finally lost the weight? I do feel somewhat different. I am getting excited for my success. At 5, 10 and even 25LBS down I really was not excited yet. I had seen that happen to many times and too easily. This is putting me back at the verge of new frontier though. I am wearing my real wedding ring for the first time in years. I am seeing hands and feet that look familiar to me again. I am almost a size 18 again. I started with clothes in a 24 and had even gotten to the top of that size with some things getting to tight. Now I can actually put on an 18 but it's a little too much like sausage casing still.  I promised myself I would get some new clothes at size 18 and I am almost there! A few things from my mom have helped to tide me over and a good strong belt! LOL.
I have lost my youngest child in weight ( he was my 10% actually) and I am approaching my middle gem. It helps to think about that loss and to see then running around and visualize what I have actually changed. She will not only be my 20% loss at almost 60LBS (she is about 58ish) she will also be the lowest weight I have been since my first pregnancy. Not my pre-pregnancy weight, but with an 80+LB weight gain by the birth of my oldest I have never approached that realm again. I am developing hope that it may just be coming though! I have gone over 2 years without a difficult pregnancy (a number that seems necessary to my ability to succeed) and have certainly made some real progress! 46LBS in 17 weeks. WOW. It even feels good to see it in print, if a bit unreal. Weight Watchers has really helped me to find the ways that I personally have to change to succeed and the dietary changes I have made for my DS allergies have helped to make it easier to stay on track. This means I have not had to think about my weight loos every day and constantly work at it, it just keeps comming off a few LBS a week. Maybe that's why it is both encouraging and unreal.
  I plan to take measurements when I get to 50 LB lost (soon?) but am excited to seem some improvements. I am able to finally see changes in clothes fitting looser, pants not able to stay up, dresses that are just hanging on my and shirts that are getting sloppy. I had a memorial service to dress for earlier this week and it was a real challenge to find anything I could wear A suit I had gotten this winter looked like I was a small kid wearing grandmas clothes, just huge. Other items were just as sloppy or bulky as I have to belt to keep on. I am not shaped to wear some of the clothes I saved from a previous time yet though. I am actually wearing a black knit dress that I haven't worn in 9 years but it is too tight on my stomach to go in public. I would never have purchased it looking like this but it's comfortable and it feels really good to be able to wear it at all. Maybe when I have actually lost my middle child's weight?
My oldest will be my basic end goal I think. She is about 115ish. That would put me at about 180. I will probably re-evaluate then and decide what I really need. I just don't really know. But honestly just to reach onederland is my happiest goal. That and to be able to buy clothes in the regular ladies department! I don't care it it's the largest size, I don't want to have to ever have to buy plus sized or women's clothes again! NEVER!!!!!! That may be my ultimate happy point. Not because I care about the number either, but because of the limited choices, and the poor fit. I am a tall woman with a large bone structure, a lot of curves and a lot of muscle structure. Being heavy means I have to buy clothes in a size that designers assume that I am so obese as to be shaped very differently proportionally than I actually am. (Not to say that I am not obese as well. But a women who is 5'2" and a size 24 is significantly heavier proportionately than I am and therefore shaped differently.) I have struggled to get decently fitting clothes for a lot of my life and that struggle has become truly embarrassing and disheartening in the last, well 100LBS. Even a women's 18 seems like it may be easier to find a decent fit then I have been able to find in a long time. That may just be wishful thinking though.  We shall just have to see when I get there in a few weeks. :) Well, it's time to sign off and head to bed so that I can wake up to my birthday morning and three shining faces who want to decorate the little birthday cakes I baked for my day. Don't you just love the ironies of motherhood of teeny-tines?

Still Begining, But 32 LBS Down

I am still trying hard to get to a smaller shape. As I read past posts I am reminded of why I keep trying and how hard different paths can be.  I have tried exercise, only to be derailed by DS and then by injury (a broken toe ended the Jillian exercise tapes). I have tried specific food diets but have not always had the luxury of making that choice financially (DH has been laid off for over 1/2 of the last 2 years). This particular path began with a bit of hopelessness, desperation and even a bit of self disgust.  Negative as that sounds it was the thing that made me ask questions of a friend who has made good progress towards her ideal weight and to listen to what she said. I am not a person who EVER imagined myself at a Weight Watchers meeting. However she spoke of it helping and as I considered my reservations I forced myself to open my mind a bit and consider it. Why shouldn't I go to a meeting? I run support group meetings for women and believe passionately in their ability to help. Yes I can do this without paying for help, except I wasn't making it happen. So I finally just went that next Tuesday evening and in some ways it has changed my life.  I have hope that I can do this.  I have found my own particular issues in excess calories. Not being a soda drinker, a fast food run regular or a junk food junkie I never has those things which I thought could just be cut from a persons diet and just magically take off 5-40LBS. The point tracking has made me find my own personal issues, because lets face it, at 298 LBS I had them.  For me it has been about evaluation nutritional density and realizing that on a day with nutrient dense, super-food filled breakfast,I really need to eat a green salad lunch! This balance has been a shift that is largely responsible for having lost 32LBS so far! Yeah!! However I am still at a ridiculously heavy weight for my height and for being 2.6 years postpartum. My pants are too big again, though I am still wearing them with a belt and they are the same ones I have been wearing for 4+ years. Still, hope is coming here to roost more often and I am actually feeling a bit proud of my accomplishment. 250 will be a bigger moment of pride though and I may even let them mention my losses in the meetings when I get there. I will finally be entering into numbers that truly feel like I am making a difference. For now I am just taking it a day at a time.

Starting Again

Well almost exactly two years since my little bundle of baby boy derailed my fitness efforts. He brings me so much adorable joy everyday and is now one more motivation for getting healthy. I want to be a good example to my children and I want to still be alive at 90+ years with great-grand-children to cuddle! I have lost and gained 15-20 lbs in the last year by just slowly affecting my diet, but the regain comes with post holliday sweets and now a budget crunching meal plan. DH has been laid off for 8 wks (now working for 4 weeks though) and we decided to eat out of the pantry and not buy any food for lent. Good for the budget, and at the 4th sunday I just went through the pantry and freezer and think we are fine for another 3 weeks. Problens arise when the pounds start creeping back on though from lots of refined carbs. Rice and pasta and beans may be cheap, but not good for my waistline. I need to focus more on calorie limiting/ portion control but I can't seem to get that under control. Trusting that if I start exercising I will eventually come to food moderation as well I am getting serrious about exercise. I spent the fall and winter sporadically exercising but just havn't found a way to make it easy with my life and Little P. Therefore I am doing a Biggest Looser DVD. Jillian's 30 day Shread and am on day 3. I am very sore and achy all over. I hope that helps me to get improvement quickly. It was under $10 and the whole family is doing it together. This makes it more challenging (little P on my lap for ab work and girls bumping into each other for jumping jacks) but the girls are excited to do it together and so help keep DH and I accountable. I plan to post measurements on may 1st to see how it went.
I also stumbled across Dr. Amen and his brain healthy weight loss and plan to do some serious research on him and his books. They show some real promise for me. I will let you know.

Almost There

38 weeks along and thinking of upcoming changes in our family, our dynamics, our business and in my body! Currently I am a 53 waist, 57 stomach and 59 hip. Can you tell baby is dropping down? I sure can. He is not as low as the girls were but is at least not giving me constant acid reflux. I leave shortly to see the Dr. for my cerclage removal and wonder if that mans he is going to arrive today? I wanted to document my measurements for posterity and for reference in the next months when I start to think of getting healthier and fit. Thigh is 34 and arm is 17 for future ref as well. Not too bad for 9 months along and 15 weeks of strict bed rest if I do say so myself. The almost 300lbs is more scary but will definitly change here pretty soon, right!?!?! Off to the Dr.!

New Stats.

Well, I am feeling a bit better after taking my stats. Not much change in the non-pregnancy measurements. I have read that the judge of your weight increase and it's appropriateness is by your thigh and arm #'s which only change with long term stored fat changes. I have been on very strict bed rest for 12 weeks now and know that I am de-compensating very badly. Also, I have another 6-8 weeks of laying at less than a 45 degree angle yet to go. Then childbirth and recovery. I know that I will come back eventually (I did with my oldest and her similar pregnancy) but it's still hard not to focus on how much work is lost by doing nothing. I am a women who gains and looses 40-50LBS with pregnancy normally and so the current increase seems on track. Here's hoping I am not getting too far off track (well not any farther than absolutely necessary anyway.) However with 10 weeks left to go I see that 300LB mark as terrifyingly close. Sigh. I keep thinking of March and my new workout/ walking partner. That helps to keep me positive. :)

Joyfully Unexpected Train Derailer

I'm Pregnant! How's that for irony. I am finally making progress on this body and now comes the most adorable figure wrecker ever! Don't know how it's all going to change but the diet has to go. Dr. says I can exercise as I have been but no more. Hum.

I haven't found time for any blogging for some time, mostly due to intense gym time. I have been in an increasing workout routine for over 2 months now (knock on wood) and seeing some real increases in my abilities. I have not lost any weight at all until this week though. It was getting pretty frustrating to I might add! I started a modified version of the protocol diet Monday (no injections) though and have lost almost 10LBS this week! Yeah! I took my measurements at 6 weeks after I started this blog and had already lost 12 inches of girth (even without a scale change). I am actually looking forward to the next set of measurements when I get to10-12 weeks. The huge decreases were some of the only things giving me real hope in the last few weeks. That and starting to see improvements. I have talked with a trainer and now am trying to get in 90+ minutes of cardio every day with only load bearing weights (my own load to be specific) for now. This has to be part of my finally registering decreases scale wise. Giving up the ice cream (and other foods not approved on my diet) is probably another factor in my progress this week. I needed something that would make food a non issue for me mentally. No thoughts into what I will eat and how I will prepare it etc. That has taken some pressure off and now was a good time. I wasn't ready to make food changes in Feb when I started this journey. Just getting moving was all I could focus on and I just wasn't ready for deprivation as I was still viewing it. Now I just want to see that result/ reward for my hard work so badly that it doesn't even feel like deprivation, YK? I have enough to eat of foods I enjoy and seeing instant results is good too. A drop of 2-3 LBS every day since I started! How's that for encouragement. I may feel tired or hungry at the end of the day, but I am also hopeful about what the scale will say in the morning. Seeing a noticeable lower number every day is very affirming of my choices and gives me the necessary boost to tackle another day of the same. maybe I'll get around to posting my slightly smaller measurements soon. In the meantime, I feel better just having this outlet to express myself and my small bits of progress.

Jumping On the Food Wagon

Hypnosis is going well. I feel much more relaxed after and ready to settle down for the evening and not eat. Knitting keeps my hands happily busy in a non-eating friendly way too, bonus!
I went to step aerobics last night and that was good. My back is sore but it was before I went too and what can I expect right? My ankle is doing better too. Better shoe choice I hope. My oldest did part of the class with me which is great. I want them to enjoy exercise and think of it as a normal part of life. I don't talk about weight loss with the kinders, just being healthy.
The big news is that I am on the food control wagon! I only had about 60 calories of non veggie calories yesterday! I am not going to count fresh F&V calories for now, maybe never actually. DH has lost 10LB in the last week and that is great for him! I hope that it continues to motivate us both. My numbers have not changed at all, but it will come in time. Only one day of food control, what can I expect right? Interestingly enough, I truly feel like this is forever. I can actually see success as a real part of my future, not just something I am temporarily aiming for.

Virtual Model

This is the projection of me at current weight and at 150 which looks to be my target. That's definitely motivation!

Hypnotic Weight Release

I started a knitting and hypnosis study last night. A friend put me on to this to help out the woman doing the study. For those of you who are addicted to Ravelry, her group can be found there discussing how the soothing repetitious movements of knitting or crochet help induce a state of relaxation helpful to self hypnosis. My additional benefit for participating being that I could pick a category of improvement, (and as I am not a smoker etc) weight release was an extremely obvious choice (pun intended). Last night was the first session (I sat on my own couch, listened to my iPod while making myself a scarf, not exactly a hardship!) and I might just be convinced already. I don't think it is the cure all to everything, but even just listening to the affirmations daily will help me to keep on track, and anything more is gravy. I made smarter snacking options after completing the sessions than I was planning to before I started. An apple over finishing the last peanut butter cookies ( just to get them out of the house).

Another day goes by with some positives. (I wish I had more sunshine to spread on this blog, hopefully soon!) No fitness class this morning, my ankle is still bothering me ( and kinder #2 was up half the night crying, coughing etc.) Yesterday we spent the day outside at a farm and then bike riding so I still got some exercise and just motion. Today more of the same things. Just more motion and sunshine. That makes a big difference for me though. Having lunch at a friends restaurant does not help however. Have to find a better balance on saying yes to a free lunch and not just eating pasta overload. This weekend looks to have some more active potential, with sunshine hanging around for a few more days. DH has gotten serious about the cross-trainer again which leaves me feeling proud and motivated as well. Hopefully we will both get going well and really inspire one another. We have never seemed to be on the same page with weight loss and both are good at not demanding the other be somewhere they are not. That's great for the marriage, but maybe not as good for the weight. Maybe this time we can be both.

Some Progress.

Well I succeeded in not eating total crap today but that is about all that can be said about it. Still too much and not totally healthy, but at least progress. The big success is having gone to a fitness class. Yeah! It was a new thing and I think it may be a keeper. Low key, combination class, free and I can bring the little ones. Seems perfect. We shall see. I definitely need different shoes though. The tennis shoes were not adequate, my ankles and arches (especially the right one) are pretty sore in a not good way. I will try my running shoes next. I don't really have aerobic impact shoes but I hope one of the three athletic pairs I have will work. After all, it seems ridiculous to have more pairs than that for a girl this out of shape, YK?

Getting There?

I am having a hard time getting on the food game. I have weight loss on my brain and I managed to have a relatively physical day for no actual exercise but I still ate pretty poorly. I feel the wagon approaching, it just seems to be taking a while to actually jump on. Hopefully in the next day or so I will be fully on board. I calculated my BMR last night and figured that if I can stay around 1,000 calories a day I will loose between 2 and 3 LBS a week. Seems reasonable. Now I just have to get with it!

100 Reasons To Lose 100 Pounds

This was found on numerous sites and in reading it I am motivated again for two reasons. One, for all the sad reasons I relate to this and two, for fear of relating to more of it. Many of these things are thankfully not issues I face, even though 100 pounds is a realistic goal for me. My height saves me from that fate I suppose. Knowing that this sort of thing is in my future if I gain weight instead of losing it is a real eye opener and another reminder of why I need to loose.

1. To feel good about ourselves.
2. To have GREAT sex! :)
3. So we won’t think people are laughing or talking about us.
4. To buy clothes in a normal store and actually get clothes with some style to them that fit correctly.
5. To have more energy!
6. To be able to tie your shoes/paint toenails.
7. To be able to sit on a floor and get up gracefully.
8. To wear a bathing suit.
9. To cross your legs or sit Indian style.
10. To fit into an airline/theatre/bus/whatever seat without spilling over and without having to see “that look” from the person who has to sit beside you.
11. So our ankles won’t swell.
12. To fit into a booth at any restaurant.
13. To not need an extension to a seat belt on an airplane and to have the tray table not balance on our bellies.
14. To not worry about being decapitated in our cars with our seat belts on if we should be in an accident.
15. To not turn beet red after moderate exertion.
16. To be able to pick something up off the floor.
17. Panty Hose that fit!
18. To go to an amusement park and ride the rides.
19. To be able to sit in any chair without worry of breakage.
20. To not have to apologize when caught in a narrow aisle and have someone need to get by.
21. To go dancing, sky diving, bungee jumping….
22. To be able to go horseback riding or ride a bike.
23. To not worry about rashes and sweating.
24. To not have to listen to “caring” people ask why you don’t diet or worse still… “gee you have such a pretty face”.
25. To not worry about spilling food, sauces or gravy down the front of your blouse/dress/shirt when eating.
26. To not have to think up some excuse for not doing something because you know your weight will impede you.
27. To not have your belly hit the steering wheel and to be able to fit comfortably in the driver’s seat.
28. To have a bra fit comfortably and to be able to buy underwear at Victoria’s Secret rather than at “Tubby the Underwear Guy”.
29. To not have to worry about the weight limit of step stools, ladders, motorcycle, exercise equipment, etc.
30. To not get stuck in a turn style.
31. To not wake up feeling achy in the back..or to have ache free legs and feet.
32. So the bathroom scale won’t creak and groan when you step on it.

33. To be able to leave the tablecloth on the table at a restaurant instead of dragging it with you when you get up.
34. So you won’t look the other way when you see yourself in a monitor where they have security cameras.
35. To never be embarrassed about your size.
36. To not count tying shoes as daily exercise.
37. To not have to wait for the handicap stall when there are plenty of other stalls available.
38. To not be more out of shape than seniors.
39. To not break toilet seat when leaning to one side.
40. To be able to put on wedding rings again.
41. To try to make a double chin and fail!
42. Buy clothing bargains to fit the next year … and they do!
43. Not to have to worry about plastic zippers or having your pants bust open.
44. Normal waistbands rather than elastic!
45. To wear knee socks correctly instead of worn like slouches!
46. To look good in a tee shirt!
47. To try on slacks or jeans and have the pant leg actually fit over leg!
48. To be able to get close to sink and not come away with a wet belly!
49. To get out of a stuffed chair GRACEFULLY and not look down to see if the chair has come up with you!
50. To not worry if the hairdresser’s smock will fit!
51. To not be self-conscious about eating in front of others!
52. To not be afraid to ask which hairstyle suits your face.
53. To not have people checking you out after looking in your grocery cart.
54. To not feel (and look) like a sausage in stirrup pants.
55. To have your friends NOT be embarrassed to be seen with you.
56. To get promotions/hired or close that sale.
57. Pants that stay up because your waist is smaller than your butt!
58. No more boobs! (this is for the guys!)
59. Wearing shorts or tank tops without fear of arrest or grossing out others!
60. To not have the fear of being rejected.
61. To successfully flirt!
62. To not worry about how to get in and out of the back seat in a two door car!
63. One size fits all and it fits you!
64. To have a lap.
65. To not have the car you are ride in slant in your direction.
66. To be able to use toilet paper as it was meant to be used and not to have to invent ways to “get the job done”.

67. To not have to watch TV news reports on fat people in hopes that you haven’t been caught on camera!
68. To be able to get between cars in a parking lot without wiping the dust off with your belly and your butt.
69. No more heat rashes and chafing in the upper thighs.
70. So that the cloth in the thigh area doesn’t wear away long before the rest of the slacks do!
71. To meet a friend online and not be horrified to have to send a picture of yourself.
72. To not take fat references and fat jokes personally.
73. To know you can go anywhere because wherever you sit you CAN be comfortable and look at ease.
74. To shop at the mall and not have your back ache from lugging your huge butt and stomach around!
75. To be able to stand still, carrying nothing and still look poised.
76. To be able to cross your arms across your chest without them resting on your stomach!
77. To have your feet get smaller.
78. Using your mouth to taste and chew food rather than as just a route to get the food from your lips to your stomach.
79. Blood pressure returns to normal.
80. To avoid other health complications from being overweight.
81. To be able to borrow a co-worker’s jacket for an important meeting.
82. To meet someone for the first time and their eyes don’t pop out of their head with amazement…because they never knew you’re fat!
83. To see your reflection in a mirror or store window without turning away!
84. To wear a watch with a regular length watch band.
85. To look in the mirror when getting your hair cut without thinking you have the biggest face in the world.
86. To not mind getting your picture taken.
87. To not avoid going to the doctor because you have to get “weighed” in.
88. To wake up each morning feeling energized and ready to go.
89. To not even worry about squeezing into small spaces.
90. To not have to enter an elevator and check the weight limit.
91. To look in your closet and have problems deciding which stylish outfit to work since you have so many that look good and fit well.
92. To not have to lie perfectly still in bed at night for fear of breaking the bed!
93. To buy tie shoes instead of slip-ons!
94. To be able to walk any distance without looking for a bench to sit on.
95. To look forward to shopping and just trying on clothes!
96. To be able to drive by any fast food place without salivating!
97. To be able to shop at the same store for food instead of having to remember where you shopped last night for the junk food so you can avoid that store for a few days!
98. To not feel lower than low when an innocent child remarks about your size!
99. To not constantly be thinking of where your next morsel of food is coming from.
100. And the 100th reason to lose 100 pounds…..

I’M WORTH IT!

- Author Of List Unknown

Depressing Numbers

Well I measured and posted my beginning statistics. That was truly horrifying. I don't know where to begin on how appalled I am. My upper arm measurement is the same as the famous Scarlet O'Hara's waist! Seriously? I can remember being 38-36-38. (Not that it was a desirable size.) That is not only a far cry from where I am now, (48-45-54) but my hips and butt are the same size and a full 6 inches larger than my bust. For a girl that wears 38I bra (yes that's accurate), having anything larger than that rack is daunting, let alone a full 6 inches! Especially since the part that bothers me the most is really my saggy/ bulging mommy belly. If that is what's really bothering me, how bad is the back end that I don't even see? Yikes. Well, at least I have actual documentation of the numbers, have been forced to accept what they really are and hopefully will be motivated by them. I have a body fat scale that tells me it can't register my fat due to too high of a water %. Well my hydration needs have always been really high and at least it doesn't say the fat % is to high to read. However, I am hopeful that eventually my body fat will drop down enough that it can get reading. Fat caries a large water % as well, so I have to assume that it will eventually impact my hydration % as well and be able to calculate a body fat. Things I am only half anticipating. At least I will be lighter by the time it happens.

The Beginning Of The End

This is it. This is the beginning of my journey away from taking up too much space on this planet. I am a happy, loved accomplished, mother of 2 and wife to a fabulous man who still finds me sexy. None of this affects the fact that I am fat. There, I have finally said it. I am fat. I am tired of being the biggest person in the room, store, picture or wherever I happen to be. I am 5'9" and 265LBS. I am the height of an average American male (though I am the shortest person in my entire family) and am built for work. I have an large natural muscle structure (Mom had me help move furniture up and down stairs at 3) and I can see that same large muscle structure in my oldest. I have always been taller and stronger than nearly every women I have encountered. These things I can not change, nor would I. I accept that I will never be a skinny, small, petite, cute or tiny woman. I am OK with this. I am not however fine with the 100+ LBS of fat that I am also carrying. I have always been overweight (the first physical I remember, I was 11years old, 5'8" and 150LBS) and I want to know something else. I have never liked a picture of my self (at least not until years and LBS later). I have great hair, a classic hourglass shape (that has become more and more buried) and have the potential to be really attractive, but 32 years on this planet and I have yet to do something about it. I have a family of naturally thin and lean people from whom I did not learn how to manage my weight. I married a man from a heavy family and we have proceeded to lay on the pounds. Nine months of bed-rest during my oldest child's pregnancy pushed up the scale over 80 LBS and I have never gotten all of it off. I actually loved being pregnant as it was a real excuse for being heavy. I need to take off the excess weight to improve my health, my happiness and my longevity. I need to figure out a healthy way to manage it, to teach my children to manage their own weight. My youngest may never struggle with the issue, but my oldest has my same build and while being strong is an enormous blessing, being overweight is not. I need to shed these pounds and shrink my ass. I no longer want to wonder if I could fit on the roller coaster, if I was wiling to risk the humiliation of trying and failing. I no longer want to stuff myself into airline seats and know that it's not just my long legs that crowd my knees into the next seat, it's also too mush padding on my rear end. I hope that by writing this blog it helps me to be more open, honest and brutal with myself. I hope that it helps me to finally tackle this issue in my life and inspires me to make a positive change. I may dream of taking a trip that is physical and helps me shed all the pounds while doing something my family and I love, or of a job that would do the same. However, I need to tackle this issue where I live and not keep waiting for the solution to come to me. I need to just do it. Thank you for tuning in and I hope that through collaboration or just community, I can not only change my life, but help someone else as well.